A Case of the Ex

In my attempt to appease the raging mortification that took me over as I woke up after a very inebriated night of celebrating; and realizing that I had done the horrifying “drunk dialing” that I had promised my self never to do again; I searched my throbbing head for answers as to why and how I could have done this. Of course, at my age and with the number of “relationships” that I’ve had, it’s not an oddity but the feeling after the consciousness remains the same; pure embarrassment and self annoyance.

I thought long and hard and enquired with some friends who had been in similar situation and I was still not satisfied. It then dawned on me that instead of looking at the present dilemma (and I call it such because it makes me feel uneasy) I should rather try and assess the root of the issue; this of course being done for myself and also for anyone else who has had a similar experience, on either side! This brought up what I have now called “A Case of the Ex”, a distinction between all the men “I’ve loved before” and how each plays a role in my sometimes strange behaviour.

•The Believer

There is always the man who will always believe that he will always dangle your heart on string. He is probably the one you may still have some sort of communication with and yes; there’s the flirting and the reminiscing but it all stems from your guilt that at some stage during your long relationship with him you deceived him into believing that he was the one and yet you knew deep down inside that he was not. You make up for your deception by being civil and always showing a genuine concern for his happiness and it is genuine but it is only because you somehow pity him. You wish you could tell him that he didn’t break your virginity or he wasn’t the first to meet your mother but your “take it to the grave” female instinct will not allow you to.

This certainly is not the one you call while intoxicated beyond limits because he’s more a friend than a sexual fantasy you’d like to take home after a night out.

•The Real First Love

He exists and somewhere at the back of your mind his name is still important but for completely different reasons than it used to be. You loved him dearly and believed that you would be mother to his children and he would come home from the hunting fields with an enormous kill that you would merrily prepare and serve to him on your knees.
Something went wrong? No; you grew up. You matured and life was not about first base, awkward condom moments and uncomfortable sleeping positions. In some instances you talk to him and share some deep inner secretes and you only do this because you don’t really care whether he knows it or not because his opinion ceased to matter a very long time ago. Being a lady, polite and always on your best behaviour with him is highly significant because it’s such an immense ego boost when he sees how beautiful you still are and how much you’ve progressed and have become an intelligent and respectable woman; and it never hurts to hear the tone of regret on his voice or see him looking at you as if wondering what could have been.
Middle of the night or early morning phone calls are few and very far between; that is if you still have his number!

•The Shack-up Guy

Ok, so life got a bit a hectic and somehow you managed to find yourself doing what the proudly South African call “vat ‘n sit.” The stigma attached to it by so many of our cultures is so overrated. I mean, considering the times we live in, it is quite a comfortable arrangement. Digressing from its economical conveniences and back onto the “shack-up guy”; he’s sweet – at face value, kind – in writing, charming and if you’re lucky, God blessed him with incredible looks. The relationship was great and the fact that you were guaranteed some canoodling and kinkiness at the end of a long day made everything seem worthwhile. There’s an isiXhosa saying that states: “Hlala nomntu uzokumazi (live with another person and you will know them)” and this just about sums up our hottie here. At the end of it you were emotionally and in some cases financially exhausted and it didn’t matter whether he left (if you’re a smart girl, the living quarters would have been yours) or you did but you just needed space. After a few cold nights of an unfamiliar sleeping spot in the middle of the bed you got used to the idea of being alone and were finally able to separate being alone from loneliness. You vowed to think extra long and extra hard before doing that again and life, as it always does, continued.

This guy is not the ideal man to call when trigger happy and besides, you don’t want to call him because the time you spent with him was enough to nauseate the need out of your system. Too much of something is never good for you!

•The Sailor

Remember that Lionell Richie song, “Sail on”? He sailed on. He came, you saw and he conquered – your heart. He gave you butterflies and one glance made your stomach do vaults and somersaults. Pity is that chance just never gave you the chance or he had a girlfriend and he loved her and you hated her even though maybe you didn’t know her. You looked at him and always thought about what beautiful children you would make and how much the two of you were similar in so many ways. There were no kisses, just brief glances and smiles and sometimes you brushed passed him and lingered there just to make the moment last a little bit longer. Of course he’s gone; either married the woman you envied or has someone else for you to envy! I always say things not done at the right time are never right and because your first meeting produced no results – although both of you felt an incredible chemistry – time took over and feelings subdued.

You never play drunken phone mate with him because you respect him for being so loyal and for having such restraint despite your eye battering and leg showing and you think somewhere at the back of your mind that maybe…“he’s just not that into you”.

•The New Experience

The weirdo, the geek, the completely not your type guy and the one you did because you thought maybe a change from the norm would have a better outcome. He was sweet like all the different ones are and you did like him but the thought of being outside your comfort zone made things a lot more challenging. In the end it was short as your difference just couldn’t gel.

Short, forgotten and obviously no desires of any sort of communication thereafter; even in Vodka jiffies.
•The Single Fling

You’re single and so is he. He’s not looking for attachment and neither are you. He’s fun and he asks no questions and it’s perfect. A couple of rendezvous and pleasurable times and you started wanting to ask questions but the arrangement was to the contrary and so you kept your mouth.
Because you could feel yourself becoming a tad bit attached you decided to detach but not wholeheartedly because the nights were just too hot and other options were thin, very thin. It felt somehow painful to let go even though you knew there was no substance to the entirety of it but you willed yourself and dug deep within for the last drop of self-control and you did it or you felt like you did it. Some time later you found yourself being haunted by dreams, daydreams and thoughts of this squire for hire and wondered what would happen if you sent some invitations. Another song says, “If you hear that the squire for hire is in your town…run…” and oh you should!!!

Poor guy, he falls prey to all your midnight or after dusk phone sessions. Reason being that in some way you believe that there is unfinished business and even the dead come back to tie up loose ends so why shouldn’t you? He’s sweet enough to lay you down (not in that way) easy and be well-mannered but you know you should stop but it’s like an addiction and it’s easier said than done.

After all is said and done; I do feel better for writing my embarrassment away and this analysis of mine has shed some light on my confusion. I don’t know if I’ll call again so for now I’ll stop tormenting over my actions and just accept them as part of daily living. Thing happen - that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

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The Disco-Net

Remember those times when you used to hang with the girls and be completely happy and at ease; those good times when you threw caution to the wind and sleeping with the enemy was not a crime but an act of mischievous behaviour that was followed by lengthy renditions of all the details and haughty laughter. All you did was giggle and give ‘high fives’ to whoever had the most exciting stories. You walked into the room with your gals and even the punch bowl turned to take a look; the belles of the ball; the envy of all ‘those other’ girls dressed in puffy outdated outfits reminiscent of a scene from Grease.
Of course you were the stylistics and were at the forefront of every fashion trend but not only were you the best dressed but you were the most intelligent; the ones who mastered what I refer to as the ‘Triple B – BBB – Beauty, Body and Brains’. Everyday was an event and every event was something to be noted. There was never a dull moment and there was always someone behind you to catch you when you slipped or to fasten your zipper and always someone in front, ready with needle and thread and a bag full of all your accident fixer uppers! Those were times were just simply grand.

It so happens though that once; or maybe twice or more times in a lifetime that human nature sets in. There are of course many factors that lead to its onset and we all have different definitions (more so excuses) and reasons for ‘allowing’ it to happen. Some call it distance; some call it betrayal; others call it irretrievable breakdown but I; I just call it ‘The Disconnect’.
It happens that the phone calls become shorter and fewer, the news are not so thrilling and the goodbyes are a relief instead of a gloomy conclusion. The get-togethers become obligatory and you drink yourself silly just so you can put together some sort of thwarted conversation that you are more than happy to forget the following day.
Some people feel the need to keep up the pretences and some just zone out and create their own world where they imagine that everything is still the same and everyone else is clearly delusional.
This is the time when the disco-net is cast into the sea and the swimmers are distinguished from the bathers. The big fish are determined and the little sardines are caught and made Human Natures next meal.

The end is inevitable for and in everything and even those things which are set to last a lifetime come to end because life itself is not everlasting which is why I fail to understand why there are so many of us who still paddle our little flippers towards the net and not away from it and even when we are caught in it; we do nothing to fight against it but instead we allow insecurities and obscurities about the way life should be to cloud the fact that we are all living for an end but when it comes when we are still living we fail to acknowledge it. I believe that endings are not so miserable but it is our reactions to and our preconceptions about them that make them so distressing and grievous.

Sometimes it is not about envy, sometimes it is not about betrayal, sometimes it is not about anger and frustration. It is not about the logistics and guilt; and not about who should apologise and who should say something first. Sometimes it is just about an unplugging, a movement in a new direction, an attempt at something new and an evolution of the being.
As people; I also believe that we owe it to each other as a symbolism of humanity and an understanding of our own basic needs to grant leave where leave is due. We need to let go in order to be able grasp at something else. We also need to stop the accusations and bring to an end the assumptions. Life is about progression and it’s about fighting wars within ourselves and also with other outside forces. Once a battle is won the army needs to move on to the next one so that they can be closer to conquering the enemy and winning the war. This is the same for the relationships we build as friends (and as lovers but that is not what I am addressing here).
Some of us dread to acknowledge the presence of the net and we close our eyes and allow it to engulf us. We try to squeeze in moments and even those moments are plagued by thoughts of separate moments. We start to wonder about the others intentions and in doing so we become so engrossed in pretending that we do not realise that our own intentions are a matter of wondering.

We forget the times when we used to laugh at these sorts of things and we would look at other people and say, “look at those fools, fighting over petty things; when will they get it together?”
Getting it together is sometimes not about mending what is broken but about taking the pieces and building something new. A friend once said to me at a time when I was feeling low and down, “you have to learn to live on the broken pieces,” and this is what my “Disconnect” is about. It’s about moving forward, following a new current and avoiding the many disco-nets that are being cast into all our oceans on a daily basis.
I choose to be a big fish and to not get caught in the disco-net. I choose to acknowledge that it is there and that if I do not swim away I will be a meal for the ravenous Human Nature.

Jerome K. Jerome once said in his infamous wisdom, “Let your boat of life be light, packed with only what you need – a homely home and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the name, someone to love and someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two, enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous thing.”

I do not know whether he and I have met in a previous life but I do believe that I once told him about my ‘Disco-Net’ for he could not have said what he said without an inkling of it.

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